I have never...+ A new member of our group

Wilson

 Paula's story :  

I’m almost 70 years old. I’m not exactly sure how I got here, but like all of us at this age, I’ve survived the ups and downs of life, and 15 years ago, surprisingly enough, I discovered the love of my life. Not only that, but nine years ago, we made the momentous decision to leave my lifelong home of New Orleans and set off on an adventure together: to move to France. Did we speak French? Passably, enough to order off a menu in Paris. Could we learn French, at our age? It turns out, that’s going to take some time. But we did learn enough to pass the B1 language exam, and to apply for French citizenship. (Still waiting for that, but that’s a story for another day.)

We’ve spent the past nine years traveling around Europe, Asia and Australia, and it’s always been a compelling treat to come home to our snug little cottage in the French countryside, where our two cats roam our neighbors’ gardens, nestle in front of the fire, and snuggle into bed with us at night. It’s truly an idyllic life, full of love and laughter and deep, abiding friendships.

And then came Wilson.

I have never had my life upended like this. Well, all right, those of you who know I lost my home and my community in Hurricane Katrina in 2005 might wonder if that particular upending of my life might have been a bit harder to bear than welcoming a new puppy into our home and our lives. I have been trying to figure out why this feels harder.

During Katrina, and the years-long aftermath, I was working as a journalist at the local daily newspaper, and it was that work that kept me going; the sacred duty to gather and produce information that could and did help a community knit itself back together after such a vast tragedy. The long days and nights of editing stories and photos and graphics gave my confused and chaotic life at that time a purpose, and kept me going, though months of uncertainty about the future.

Fast-forward ten years, and the move to France brought new challenges, of course. Joining a new community (of French-speakers!), making new friends, traveling across Europe, finding French doctors, navigating the French bureaucracy … not to mention the challenges of Covid, with the lockdown, the washing of groceries (remember that?), the isolation from friends and family, the inability to travel …

But I am like a cat in that I am very much a creature of routine. As much as I love to travel to new places and experience new environments and discover new things, I am happy to come home and pick back up my life of friends, and reading, and bike rides, and crossword puzzles, and walks, and sunsets, and aperos, and movies in front of the fire at night with a cat or two nearby. It’s a quiet life of contentment and warmth and intimacy.

And into that quiet life came Wilson.

He’s a cute little guy, full of energy and affection. But right now, he is a sucking hole of need: the need to pee, the need to poop, the need to play. And if my timing is off, or if I don’t correctly read the signals, he pees on my floor! (Like he did as I was writing this.)  I’ve never had a child, and kittens are nowhere near this much work, so this constant state of alertness is new to me. Was this what I envisioned when I dreamed of a life in France in my dotage? Not exactly. But when I look at James, and I see how happy he is to have a dog again after eight years without one, all I can do is put on my big girl panties and embrace change. Change, thy name is Wilson. Who’s a good dog??

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Jackie's story

She had never been to heaven.

She arrived in front of the golden gates in all their glory a shining paradise

There was God in his sparkling white robes long hair and beard looking exactly as she had imagined him to be.   

A shining halo around his head she kneeled in front of him and said here I am God I’ve left the earth and I’m here to do whatever you want me to do now. 

And he said well before you commit to entering the gates of paradise you can make one more request to do something that you wished you had done while on earth     Oh she said let me think for a minute.    “I’ve never been able to sing I should like to go back to earth as a  famous singer something that I so admire.   The emotion of music is something exceptional “  

She landed on earth as a baby and began to sing at a very early age had loving parents but who were very poor and slowly but surely she worked herself up to become a well known singer surprising everybody with her beautiful voice and personality Able to buy a house for her parents and diamonds for herself and all the things she had never had in her previous life.  

She had maids and butlers and a chauffeur and a cook.  Becoming more and more famous

Then one day she realized that she wasn’t any happier than her life was all materialistic;   its true that she enjoyed singing but it wasn’t as gratifying as she had imagined.  

At the age of 30 she started to beg the Lord I want to go back to heaven life is very trivial.   The Lord said “no you must live until the age of 86 and make the best of this life.”     “ Another 50 years of living this life of luxury and money and houses three boats and 40 people looking after me –and I can’t go to the supermarket without hoards of people asking for autographs    people touch me and my hair and clothes – uuuhhh “

So God said “You asked for a gift,”.
“But you forgot to ask for meaning.”

“you must discover why you were given this voice—not just for yourself, but for others.   Being a diva was never the destination.” there Is only one way for you to overcome this and that is to do a good deed and make it work and then I’ll call you back. _ A  little girl came up to her and said I’ve never been able to sing will you teach me 

So there began many months and years of training until this little girl grew up and became as famous as herself   

  She was now free to return … I’d never been to heaven and now I’ve been twice 

______________________________

 Geraldine's story

I’VE NEVER…

I’ve never walked on the moon although I have so often been in the moon !

I was in the moon at school when I didn’t like a subject or a teacher.  And where would I travel ! Not in the moon cause in those days there was no way to imagine that one could reach the moon and step on it.  Despite the fact that the Russians (USSR) had launched a small sattelite named « Spoutnik » that I saw in 1958 at the Brussels’ International Exhibition and had found extremely small !

I would think I was a bird, just flying all over different places and countries in what I imagined pure freedom.  Not depending on a schoolbus, or a bicycle or a tram or even just my little feet !  I could cross the, Mediterrean Sea and have my first stop in Tunisia untill a harsh voice would bring me back to my desk and the school pall sitting next to me.

I would imagine I was an adult, not having to ask permission to do the things I liked. If I felt like swimming, I could just decide to go, if I felt like going for a  walk in the forest, I could take a moped or a car and just do it, if I was invited to a party, I could stay later than midnight and not fear my Dad coming to pick me up at midnight like Cinderella !

I would go and visit all the places that where shown to us in the Conferences called « Exploration du Monde » where I used to go with my sister.  During a boring math’s course, what a kick to think of the « Girafe Women » in a small Indonesian Island who wore so many necklaces that if they took them off, they would break their necks or die !  Or the Abu Simbel barrage being constructed in Egypt, on the Nil, removing the huge statues to another place, or imagining hiding in the African forest to get a glimpse at the smallest people around : the pygmees !

I have never written a book !  But I’ve written so many in my mind.  I even started one a long time ago and in the 3 first pages, I managed to set an action on the « Quai du Point du Jour », just because I found the name of that place so dratmatically open to anything following, but nothing came…

I’ve never painted a sunset although I’ve tried painting at different times in my life.  Does this mean I’ll never paint a sunset.  I don’t know…. I even think that as I’ve mentionned this, I might pick up the challenge and try one day.  Meanwhile, I have so many bad photos of sunsets, that I could pick one and try to translate it into a painting.

Are these « nevers » unfinished beginnings.  Will they come to one day ?  Why and when ? 

If I think of my youth and all the things I had never done in those days, I figure I’ve filled in quite a few of my dreams and wishes.

 When I was twenty, my dream was to live in France, in Paris.  I did it.

When I was 30, my dream was to have 6 children !  I had 3 and stopped when I understood more would be too hard !

When I was 40, my dream was to set out a house full of children, it’s garden, a few animals, learn how all this was manageable. It happened.

When I was 50, I thought it was time to deepen my professional life, take more responsibilities, improve my skills and use them to improve my career. Done.

When I was 60 , we decided to travel for many years in a sailing boat, around the Mediterranean discovering the cradle of Europe, the different  civilizations around it, what it means to come accross a storm at sea or to get stuck for hours with no wind before docking. It was great !

When I was 70, I got to know 10 little toddlers who gave me and still do so much love, interest and joy : these are my grand’children who are now becoming adults and who knows, filling the gaps of their own « I’ve never «

But I would never have thought that so many « I’ve never » would come true. Does all this sound pretentious ?  I don’t really know.  With all my « I’ve never » and all the achievements, I feel I am, to-day, a fulfilled and happy woman

 

Annemarie's story :  

I have Never ...

I have had 24 cats, 5 dogs, a pot-bellied pig, a baby chimp, 2 rabbits, Snugglebug the Duck  an African Grey parrot, a Komodo type lizard, a galago (bush baby), a 'patchwork' tortoise and a tame gecko but...I have never had my own camel!

 

 The sun dipped below the horizon as our BOAC plane taxied down the barely visible landing strip that sliced through the dusty dry desert at Wadi Halfa.  Silhouetted against a rickety fence, munching and ruminating on scrub were strange distant objects.  I was five years old and in five minutes I had fallen in love. "I want one,Daddy," I pleaded. And, no - of course no baby camel appeared on my birthday. But the yearning for one never ceased and I always thought I might one day have my own camel.

I wore out the pages on Egypt and camels in my World Encyclopaedia. I still have my scrapbook of magazine and newspaper clippings of camels, the construction of the Aswan Dam and all things Egyptian. Then I was introduced to Wilfred Thesiger's books and  thrilled  to discover that a camel could be as faithful as a dog. To quote from his book, 'Arabian Sands':    “I can remember another camel that was as attached to her master as a dog might have been. At intervals throughout the night she came over, moaning softly, to sniff at him where he lay, before going back to graze."   I learnt that when I got my camel  I should "be careful tethering my camel, as it can use its top lip to untie the knot."

While staying with my Dutch grandmother when I was 12 I spent hours drawing house-plans, always with camel accommodation, never a garage! When my Oma said that camels were smelly I  answered (and in Dutch):   "No problem, Oma. I will get free baby talcum powder from Johnson & Johnson. My camel will be their finest advert."

Living in London as a student  I visited the zoo, where the Bactrian camel stole my heart ... and spat a huge gob of green, vile-smelling spit at a coochy-coochy-cooing onlooker. That same camel nearly cost me my future husband. We went to see the film "Arabesque". During a tense moment  there is a chase through London Zoo, right past  my Bactrian camel; in the very quiet cinema I shouted out "my camel" at the surprise of seeing him starring with the gorgeous Gregory Peck. Hisses of shhh! and 'quiet' and John slid down his seat in embarrassment.

'Ah,' I thought, when we moved to France , 'now I'll have room for a camel. The nearest I got was the offer of 6 llamas after our rescued pot-bellied pig died. Soon after, to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary with our children and  grandchildren John arranged a stay on a camel farm ...in the middle of Oxfordshire.  In aid of raising awareness of the endangered status of Bactrian camels it was a weekend celebrating these ugly, grumbling creatures. Camels had come from various countries to participate in races, a beauty pageant (and they do have the most incredibly beautiful eyelashes - a double set for each eye!), about 30 of them brushed and groomed, dressed in embroidered decorations.

Now that Trump has disrupted the world and oil prices are shooting sky-high I have one more try at having a camel. After all they are cheaper than cars, they are pretty fast and can travel at up to 40 miles per hour. They can slurp up to 40 gallons of water at a time and can survive a week or more without more water and don't need petrol. And imagine the help in the garden! They are very strong and can carry up to 900 pounds for 25 miles a day. That's to the déchèterie and back with all the rubbish. As my hair turns grey no need for expensive highlights - I have a camel. Washing my hair with its urine, not only would it have an enchanting reddish tinge but it would  protect my hair from nits- another saving. I might forego that benefit. Then there's camel milk, so rich in vitamin C... but I cannot persuade John. I have never wanted diamonds, I have never wanted luxurious holidays - I just want a camel!

 

How do porcupines do it ?

Geraldines story

How do porcupines do it

 

 

A very sad thing happened a few years ago.

In our village, a lonely and rather crazzy man, who had long been an alcooholic, was awarded the appartment over the Mairie for his last few years of live .  His name was Jacky.

To help him avoid loneliness, he picked up protecting the stray cats wandering in the village.

And guess what happened : instead of only having 3 or 4 cats around, he gathered them in a marquee next to the Mairie, right in the middle of the village, giving them food twice or three times a day.  The plan included he was to have the females sterilized, which, of course, he never did.

Within a couple of years the village was infested with stray cats, all so very cute but : they shat all over the place leaving a horrible smell in the center of Villars.  If I happened to leave the windows open in the gîte, which I did when I cleaned it, they would come and piss on the duvet and leave a putrid scent.

All this was so crazy : our village taken over by cats ! Within a couple of years there were more feline than humans.  The Maire was aksed if it would be possible to move this breeding to the outskirts of the village, but not wanting to upset Jacky he let this go as it was.

The population took over and began chasing the cats, trying to get ridd of them as it was all getting unbearable.  Our way of taking part was to train our little Naîka to chase them away from our house and gîte.  Each time a cat showed itself in the surroundings, we would shout out « chat ! chat ! » to our dog and she would dash at it barking untill the poor cat would start fleeing away.  That’s how we safened our house from a cat invasion for a couple of years untill Jacky died and the SPA came to help solve the problem by taking the hord of cats and kittens away for adoption.

Meanwhile, one morning – it was a beautiful sunny day in springtime, a bit like today – I heard a strange noise behind my winter jasmine, the one in front of the house.  Small mild squeaks came from the hind !  I immediately thought it was a cat hiding her kittens there, as they did very often, being homeless,  so I got Naïka near the bush and when she was near enough shouted « chat ! chat ! » in order to chase the hidden cat.

The next thing I saw was Naïka, half mad, with a little naked pink small living being in her jaws, that she proudly showed us before dropping it in the middle of the yard. 

Oh no !  It’s not a cat or a kitten !  Stop Naïka, stop, stop, stop !  But she had been sollicitated to chase the cat and made no difference between a cat, kitten or whatever this poor little lively new-born « animal » was. 

So she had time to come out with this second newborn ceature before we could stop her and lock her up in the bathroom in order to find out what the slaughtering was about.

By this time I was feeling so guilty and almost sick by the mistake I had made and started searching behind the jasmine to find a mother hedgehog with another newborn pink baby, rising  her quills to protect herself and her little family.

I brought a few more small branches and grass to help her hide again and then questionned myself !  How do hedghogs do it ?  Probably just like porcupines….

Well, the male may circle for hours in what’s often called a « hedgehog carousel » then, if the female is receptive,  she flattens her quills and raises her tail which exposes her underside and prevents the male from being injured. It all seems to be very skillful and quick !

The point, for me, was not to find out how they do it, but a thanfull opportunity to tell this story and hope for the redemption I’ve been waiting for during all these years !

 

.

______________

  

Annemarie's story

How do porcupines do it?

With thirty thousand speckled spears,

long and barbed and hollow,

the porcupine moves slowly through the forest

dusk caught golden in her bristles,

with danger lurking in the tips.

 At first she tries with sticks and twigs

in the hush of northern woods

where lightly trips the evening wind.

Her squeaky barks and whimpers

mingle with the autumn rustle of fallen leaves.

 Sightless she climbs a straggling tree,

her quills spread low and sleek.

Belly as pale as birch bark she listens.

She smells, hears and tastes the air

for manly answers to her song of calls.

 Two porcupines are circling,

steady spheres of careful caution,

teeth incising, bodies turning,

quills bristling - rising, falling

as fields of grass on windswept plain.

 She slowly stumbles down the tree

and waits the winner's spray of wee.

Love for them is heedful and precise.

A choreography of shuffle,

a layering of tail along a lowering of quills.

 He approaches from behind

and when at last they close the distance

he leans against what no longer wounds

and finds a firmer way to hold.

Then the gentle couple breathe amongst the quills.

 Despite the lack of sight,

despite the threat of sharpness

that all these creatures carry

in their forest of defences,

Still - somehow - they find a way to do it!

________________________________

Paula's story

Laurie was browsing in one of her favorite boutiques, idly thumbing through dresses on the sale rack, when a blouse on a nearby table caught her eye. She was drawn to it immediately. A seemingly simple short-sleeved top of beige cotton and linen, the front of the piece was a silk overlay, exquisitely embroidered in a complicated design of winding flora with threads of rust, forest green, gold and aubergine. The style of the top was casual, but the embroidery — almost Victorian in nature and detail — instantly elevated the cotton blouse into fabulousness.

She mentally crossed her fingers as she searched the collar for the price tag; sure enough, it was expensive. But she loved it. Should she splurge? She hesitated, then took it into the fitting room and slipped it on. It was one of the most beautiful items of clothing she had ever seen, and not the kind of thing she usually wore. She immediately began calculating CPW, or cost per wearing. If she wore it all spring and summer, with jeans, with leggings, with skirts, it really wouldn’t be so expensive after all: maybe two or three euros each time she wore it. She talked herself into the indulgence.

She put it on the next afternoon as she was dressing for a garden party, and she instantly stood taller, felt prettier, smiled more. This simple top had almost magical powers!

The next day, she carefully washed it by hand, and set it atop her pile of ironing. As she ran the hot iron across the cotton back of the blouse, the tip of the iron came into contact with the silk placket connecting the back to the cotton sleeve, and the delicate fabric instantly dissolved.

And so did Laurie, into tears, standing there at the ironing board staring with disbelief and dismay at her beautiful blouse. Why did she have the iron turned to such a hot setting? Why wasn’t she more careful? Why wasn’t she paying more attention? All that money, and now the piece was ruined. And after wearing it only once!

Suddenly, she had an idea. Her friend Anna Mae was one of the most creative people she knew. Anna Mae could do anything with a needle and thread, not to mention her skills at fabric painting, gardening, cooking, baking, and writing. Laurie decided she would take the spoiled blouse to Anna Mae and ask her if there was anything she could do to save it. What did she have to lose?

The next day, Anna Mae examined the poor blouse, looked up at Laurie’s tear-streaked face, and said, “Leave it with me. I’ll see what I can do.”

A week later, she called Laurie and said, “Come get your blouse. I think it turned out OK.” When Laurie arrived, her heart was in her mouth, although she was trying not to get her hopes up too high. Anna Mae handed Laurie the tissue-wrapped blouse, and when Laurie pulled the top from the paper, she gasped. She couldn’t believe her eyes. It was better than before.

Anna Mae had somehow, miraculously, embroidered a beautiful flower, a replica of those scattered across the silk front of the blouse, onto the silk placket on the shoulder, melding the fabric back into a single piece with her expert and beautiful handiwork. The stitching was so perfect, the echo of the flora on the front panel so unexpected, that Laurie couldn’t even speak for a moment. In awe, she looked up at her friend and whispered, “How did you do this?”

“How did I do it?” Anna Mae responded. With a mischievous grin, she said, “Well, how do porcupines do it? Very carefully!”

Anna Mae rewrapped the blouse in the tissue paper, handed it to Laurie and said, “There you go, Laurie. Bob’s your uncle!”

___________________________________________

Jackie's

Miss Porcupi climbed a tree and started her breakfast chewing on a piece of bark and sipping some dew.    It was not her usual tree and it tasted a little odd but as she was hungry after her night on the prowl -  she thought little of it.   

Suddenly she felt cold – really cold and started to shiver.   Turning her head she looked at her body and saw with horror that her quills were falling off by handfuls onto the ground below.   She had bare bald patches on her back and could feel a draft on her now tender skin.      Her quills had disappeared.    She had never seen her skin before and was surprised to see patches of wrinkly motley grey .    

Crying real crocodile tears she sobbed her heart out – no quills meant no protection no means of defense and more than that no mating and no babies to come.   Her mother had always told her that mating came just once a year.      Who would want her now ?   no respectable man porcupine would consider mating with a bald lady porcupine.   But just how wrong she was to be.    

      Tears rolled down her face and dribbled down the tree in big drops onto the earth below gradually making quite a riverlette of water where she could see her quills floating about.     Several ants had caught a ride on the quills and were sailing down the little river that she had made with her tears and they were shouting with glee at sailing a boat even though it was a little spiky.  

Soon the ants were joined by spiders and other insects and there was quite a little party going on with a colony of creatures having a great time as she sobbed her heart out for the benefit of her friends.

Her confusion and sadness started her mating hormones to set in motion and before she knew it there were quite a selection of available porcupine men to choose from.    Well I never she thought – It can’t be all bad, I must be quite attractive after all.

Of course the idea of being able to mate with a female porcupine at any time of the year with no chance of being stabbed with a quill was appealing….One of them promised to look after her for the rest of her life but asked in xchange  for frequent sex not just once a year but at least once a month –another just jumped on her and wouldn’t stop

  Halleluia  It wasn’t so bad to be spineless after all.

 

 

A piece of cake

 Geraldine's story

A PIECE OF CAKE

 

What happened when Hercules, driven into a fit of madness by Hera, killed his wife and children , and when, returned to his sense, was horrified and full of guilt ?

The Oracle of Delphi told him to serve the King Eurystheus for twelve years and complete the labours….which would lead to the purification of his sins.

He found out the first Labour consisted of killing the Nemean Lion : a piece of cake !

This Lion had skin that weapons couldn’t cut which meant, no swords or arrows.  Being cute and strong, Hercules decided to strangle the lion and wear his skin as an armor.

For the second labour, he is to definitely cut off all the Hydra’s heads : a piece of cake !

As you cut the head, another one automaticaly grows, then another and another. This time, he asked the help of his nephew Lolaus and burnt the necks after cutting each head to stop them growing, also helping himself with the Hydra’s poisonous blood.

The third labour is catching the Cyryneian Hind : a piece of cake for Hercules !

This sacred dear with golden horns belongs to the goddess Artemis and has to be captured alive without being hurt.  It will take Herecules a very long time before catching it gently but he succeeds.

The fourth Labour is expected to catch the Erymanthian Boar : a piece of cake !

Here again, he needs to convoke strenght and wisdom.  He cleverly frightens the animal and forces it into the snowy mountains.  There, when the boar becomes exhausted and weak, he manages to capture it alive and brings it back.

The fifth Labour is about cleaning stables : easy, a piece of cake !

King Augeas stables are really filthy as they have not been cleaned for many years.  Done in one day by Hercules by diverting 2 rivers flowing higher than the stables, getting the water to rush through the stables at high speed and pressure just in the one day !

Labour number 6 is to get rid of the Stymphalian Birds : Another piece of cake.

These birds who have sharp bronze feathers attack the people and destroy the land.  Using a special noise-maker, Hercules scares them all into a corner and then shoots them with poisoned arrows.

Labour number 7 : Capturing the Cretan Bull : also a piece of cake !

This Bull, wild and destructive comes from the island of Crete.  Here Hercules has to reckon on his herculean strength to wrestle with the bull and capture it before bringing it back to King Eurystheus.

The eighth Labour is The Mares of Diomedes. A piece of cake !

King Diomedes owns horses that eat humans. What can Hercules do ?  He will defeat Diomedes in battle, then feed him to his own horses.  This will calm the horses who will thus stop eating humans.

Labour 9 : Hercules must rid Hippolyta from her magical belt. Piece of cake !

Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons owns a magical belt given to her by the God Ares.  At first, when asked for the belt by Hercules, she agrees to give him it, but then starts defending it.  They start a fight, won of course by Hercules who takes the belt from her.

Labour 10 / The Cattle of Geryon.  Just a piece of cake !

Geryon is a giant with three bodies who lives way out in the West.  Hercules spots him, kills him as well as his guard dog and returns with the cattle.

The eleventh Labour is The Golden Apples of the Hesperides. Just such a piece of cake !

The apples are magical and belong to the gods.  They are guarded by a dragon and nymphs.  Considering the difficulty, Hercules asks Atlas for help and while Hercules, with his renound strenght, holds up the sky,  Atlas can pick the golden apples.

And last, but not least, and still just a piece of cake for Hercules, Cerberus.

Cerberus is a 3 headed dog with a snake tail. He is the gardian of the entrance to the Underworld.  But Hercules will manage to go to the land of the dead while still alive and there, will capture Cerberus with only his strenght and bring him back.

What a path to redemption, even if it sounded easy. But he did it all and  got there !

 

-------------------

Jackie's story 

A Piece of Cake

A piece of cake?
It’s delicious, isn’t it?
Shall I share the recipe?

Ingredients
1 generous cup of love
½ cup of patience
4 large eggs of fertility
A handful of social gatherings

Whisk lightly with tenderness,
then fold in 100 grams of passion.
Add:
1½ cups of joy
2 cups of travel and holidays

Mix well, allowing laughter to rise.

Preheat the oven to 180°.
Bake gently over a lifetime,
remembering to pause and savour each moment.

For the icing on the cake
Prepare slowly, with care.
Blend happiness and gratitude until smooth.
Add a pinch of spice for excitement,
a swirl of discovery and adventure,
and a generous layer of compassion.

Spread generously,
let it settle with time,
and remember—
it’s the icing that turns a good life
into a truly unforgettable one.

 

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Paula's story

In a land where the cupcakes dance and sway,
Lived a cheerful baker named Madame McRay.
With flour on her nose and a smile so sweet,
She baked up a storm that could not be beat!

One day she declared, “Let’s have a grand bake,
I’ll whip up a treat, it’ll be a piece of cake!”

She mixed in some giggles, a sprinkle of fun,
And soon there were pastries for everyone!

There were muffins that jiggled, and cookies that sang,
A pie that did cartwheels, and breads with tang.
But the star of the show, with frosting so bright,
Was a cake of twelve tiers, a marvelous sight!

“Come one, come all, let’s eat and partake,
For life is too short, let’s have our piece of cake!”
So they laughed and they cheered, with crumbs in their hair,
In Madame McRay’s kitchen, joy filled the air!

So if you feel gloomy, just remember this rhyme,
A piece of cake can make everything sublime!
With sprinkles of laughter and a dash of delight,
Life’s sweetest moments are always in sight!

-----------------

Annemarie's story

A Piece of Cake  (Bob's Your Uncle denied as a title!)

My twenty-first birthday and Ma was determined to make it a special occasion, me being the youngest of the family; seven siblings and most of them had left home. James and Robert still lived with us but the others were coming from all over England, including Auntie Vi and Ma's two brothers, who  both have the same hook nose and moustaches, which makes it difficult to tell them apart; but best of all, my favourite and oldest sister, Sally. We  hadn't seen her for several years as she lives and works in New Zealand - so twelve of us altogether.

The party.

The table groaned under the mountainous display of food - so much you could barely see the flower-embroidered tablecloth. Savoury sandwiches, stuffed eggs, succulent pigs-in-blankets(.."savoury before you eat cake.." Ma always chimed), cinnamon and maple syrup slices oozing on an antique china plate, a banana and walnut loaf and the crowning glory - my favourite chocolate cake layered in caramel, then covered in chocolate and decorated with a swirly design and 21 candles - my wonderful traditional Ma and her 'right true' Yorkshire high tea. Standing tall and grand were three bottles of  champagne - none of your Italian prosecco for Ma - some elderberry fizz (made by Ma of course) and tea (must be for Auntie Vi). We all sat round the table like the twelve disciples awaiting Christ's blessing.

'"Let's get the party started" exclaimed Dad, taking a bottle of champagne and easing the cork until it shot off hitting Tosca, our Labrador dog cowering in the corner of the room.

 Everyone grabbed glasses to hold beneath the foaming bottle.

"Congratulations to the baby of the family," they all chorused accompanied by a loud clinking of glasses, slurps, sips and laughter.

  A very noisy affair ensued as we caught up with each other's news between mouthfuls of stuffed egg, sausage and sandwich until Ma permitted us to start on the sweet stuff; it was just like the old times when we were all kids.

 But first before the sweet stuff the ceremonial blowing out of candles (3 left alight and a chorus of "three boyfriends" just we had always shrieked);  then cutting the cake whilst I made a wish - please, please a car for my twenty-first.

Ma handed round her Crown Derby plates, all rich blues and reds, now hidden beneath huge wedges of chocolate and caramel cake.

"Quiet everyone, please," she suddenly said, "Sally and I have something to tell you." She looked knowingly at Dad who had been comforting the dog after the champagne cork attack  but now Dad looked quiet and the dog looked apprehensive.  Then she turned her eyes on me, everyone else silent and expectant, me thinking 'they're going to tell me there's a Mini wrapped in a ribbon outside for my birthday.' 

I bit into the delicious, soft, gooey cake, my lips getting covered in caramel and crumbs, and I gazed expectantly at Ma.

Looking at Dad again then at me she said without preamble "Your Dad's not your dad and I'm not your mum..."

I gasped and started choking; I couldn't catch my breath, coughing,  choking, spluttering and getting red in the face until Robert yanked me round the waist, Heimlicher manoeuvre style, and kept pressing above my belly until a piece of cake shot out, hitting the poor dog in the face and sending him yelping behind Auntie Vi's chair.

So no car, just some really shocking information brutally told in front of all the family...and on my birthday.

I stuttered, my mouth still sticky from cake, "Am I adopted then? Who are my real parents?"

"I'm your mother," announced my (once) sister, Sally. "I was only 15 when you were born so it was decided it would be best for all if you were brought up by Ma and Dad as one of us kids. But now I think it's important we all to know the truth." Brutal.

Stunned and still finding it hard to breathe I could only gape at her and at the shocked faces round the table ... so many hands still holding pieces of chocolate cake, chocolate melting down their wrists, indrawn breaths and "oh my  God"s. Yes, brutal.

Swallowing a huge swig of champagne, hoping the bubbles would ease my throat and clear the crumbs, I gulped  "Are there any more surprises?"  Might there be a car - a soupçon of hope still remaining?

"Yes, " said Auntie V 

 pushing her chair back and trapping the dog's tail, sending the poor thing  into anguished  squeals and yelps again.  "Robert's not your brother. He ...well -  Bob's your uncle. Your grandfather got a woman into trouble and your Ma, I mean grandmother now, took the baby in... but that's another story."

 

A birthday I would never forget...nor would Tosca, the dog.

Just go naked

Annemarie's story You Could go Naked 

Melanie stood in her dining room, in her bra and knickers while her friend Eva whisked the tape measure up and down and around and around. Today was the cutting out of the latest outfit her friend was making for Melanie. - green silk with a draped neckline to compliment her deep auburn hair which framed a creamy complexion and limped dark eyes. " I'll do it in centimetres then we won't know your size," said her friend, pencil, clenched between her lips. " And what is the event this time?" she asked. "We'll he's just landed a new job and we've been invited to dinner by his future boss to meet the rest of the group. I just hope I do him proud after all those months he's been without a job. So humiliating...my poor old Tony." "You worry too much about how you'll look, what to wear etc. but with your gorgeous face and figure you could just go naked! Forget about 'poor old Tony', he's lucky to have you. And you don't have to wear this green silk dress, you may feel more comfortable in your burnt orange one that like so much. Just whatever makes you feel really good." Measurements noted they both sat down to Melanie's toffee and apple cake, which was always tastier than other apple cakes. She prided herself on being a stay-at-home mum; her three boys off to school wrapped in crisp , freshly ironed shirts and their mother's hugs, lunchboxes filled with home cooked leek flan, banana loaf and fruit. Eva was not too keen on Tony, well she really didn't like him at all; she thought him extremely selfish. When he was made redundant recently, for months he stubbornly took the commuter train...and a fair part of their budget...into London each day (so nobody would know he was out of work) while Melanie took on extra aromatherapy work to keep the money coming in. A couple of weeks later Melanie and Eva met for a final fitting and handover of the dress. Melanie arrived late, her face red and blotchy, tear-dampened strands of auburn hair clinging to her cheeks. "What on earth's the matter?" "It's Tony," Melanie sobbed. "All the time he was going into London 'to see about a job' he was meeting up with some woman. And the dinner with his new boss is just a week away.. I don't know how I will cope... I don't know what to do," she whimpered. "Well, if you ask me," said Eva " he has always been utterly selfish. You let him walk all over you and you're worth so much more. You'll look stunning in your new dress and maybe he'll realise what he's risking - a fabulous wife and three gorgeous boys. Take your time and don't act rashly; think about what YOU really deserve. You'll get through it. Let's have lunch together afterwards and you can tell me how things are between you. Now let's try on the killer dress." As predicted Melanie looked a dream, even with her blotchy face and rather bedraggled hair. Eva couldn't believe she had had three children. " Just be brave and beautiful - you'll be fine," said her friend putting a comforting arm around Melanie. Two days after the dinner they met up for lunch in a cosy Italian bistro, Eva was anxious to know how her friend was feeling, how she was coping. Melanie arrived looking buoyant, taller somehow and yes, with a look of defiance. "We'll, how did it go? How are you feeling? How are things with Tony?... and the dinner.. were you okay? Which dress did d you wear?..." "Too many questions, Eva," Melanie interrupted. "First I'm fine. Dinner was a blast and I didn't wear either dress." "Well what did you wear?" asked Eva. "Nothing! Well not exactly nothing - I wore a wig." "But Melanie your hair is your crowning glory..." "Not on my head, down below, a merkin - you should have seen their faces when I took my coat off... and Tony ..well he was furious, grabbed my coat, threw it round me and apologising profusely that I was ill, he tried to push me through the front door. I refused and asked the host to call me a taxi so that Tony could continue with the dinner. I have never felt so empowered or laughed so much, seeing those shocked faces. Hmm, I wonder if Tony will work with them after all. So, yes, I took your advice, Eva."

 Paula's stories   (2)

The famous fashion designer stood with his favorite model of the moment at the top of the main staircase of Le Grand Palais in Paris. “You are going to end the show,” he told her. “You are going to bring about the grand finale. And here’s how you will do that.”

Pierre Marc turned her so that she was facing the vast room from the top of the stairs. “After all the models have completed their final walks on the runway,” and he gestured to the elevated stage and walkway far below them, “you will return backstage with the others, but you, and only you, will get into the white silk robe that all of you wear while being made ready for your entrances.”

She waited, as he took a deep breath. His excitement was almost palpable, and she was intrigued by what he might say next. He moved to stand behind her as he said, “You will walk out here, just here, just at this very spot, and I will be here. I will be behind you, just as I am now. I will take the silk of your robe into my hands and elegantly cast it off your body in one fell swoop.”

She nodded, wondering what was coming. “So, I will be standing here, at the top of the grand staircase, with nothing on?” she asked.

“Oui, just so!” Pierre enthused, as he returned to her side. “You will be wearing nothing but a pair of sky-high heels. Then if you just go naked, slowly, ever so slowly, down the steps to the landing, you will be met there by my top dresser, who will quickly and deftly clothe you in my piece de resistance: the gown that is sure to be on the next cover of French Vogue! Then, you will continue down the stairs to the stage, where I will be there to greet you. And we will walk together down the runway, to the cheers and whistles of everyone assembled to see this, my masterpiece!”

Again, she nodded, once, twice. “I think I understand,” she said. “You are illustrating in real time how a design goes from nothing, from the nude model, to everything, the dress that will define the very season.”

“You do understand!” He took her hand and raised it to his lips. “That is the very concept I am trying to convey: how a designer takes the empty dress form and transforms it, with time and textiles and talent, into a gown that every woman desires. I knew I had made the right choice in you.”

She shrugged her bony shoulders, and said, “I trust you. I’ll do it.”

The designer’s No. 1 dresser, watching nearby, whispered to herself, “Of course you will. He is going to make you a star, an overnight sensation.” Clad in her normal dowdy working attire of a pin-marked apron and flats, Edith muttered, “It’s not fair. We toil for months on his vision, we work around the clock, we give everything we’ve got to this work, and who gets the spotlight? The models. The models get to take the final bow with the great designer. And we get nothing. And the day after the collection is shown to global acclaim, we immediately begin work on the next year’s designs. And these models, they all go off to relax on some exotic beach. It’s not fair.” She shook her head bitterly and turned away.

Two days later, all was ready. Le Grand Palais sparkled from top to bottom. Chairs were arrayed fifteen deep from the U-shaped runway to the edges of the huge room. As hundreds of fashionistas, journalists, and hangers-on poured into the room, engraved invitations in hand, white-coated and white-gloved servers passed among them with coupes of Champagne. As the lights dimmed, everyone took their seats, and the show began.

All went smoothy. The front row was packed with the fashion icons of the moment: Chloe Sevigny, Kate Moss, Anna Wintour, Zoe Saldana, Charlotte Gainsborough, all looking magazine-perfect in their trend-setting garb. They crossed their long, elegant legs in their impossibly high heels and squinted through their fashionable sunglasses at the incredible outfits parading past them, some making notes in their programs, others taking photos for their Instagram accounts, but only Wintour calmly and thoroughly assessing each look as it passed her.

And then, it was time for the grand finale. The house lights went down again, and a spotlight picked out a single model at the top of the grand staircase. Very tall and very slender, she wore a simple white silk robe. The crowd murmured as Pierre, almost hidden in the darkness behind her, snatched the garment from her shoulders. For an instant, she stood nude, in the blinding light, then she began a slow descent. Camera flashes constantly split the darkness as she walked sedately down the 20 steps to the landing.

There, Edith stood in the shadows with the masterpiece in her hands. As the model faced the spellbound audience, she held her chin high, waiting for the expert dresser to quickly fasten the gown around her. Instead, Edith, hidden from view, stretched a steady hand out toward the naked woman, and shoved hard. The model’s skinny body convulsed, and flew down the stairs, bouncing and tumbling until she reached the bottom of the steps in a motionless heap.

A collective gasp went up, and the flashes continued to strobe. Pierre, waiting backstage, rushed to the model’s side, and cried out, “But it is not possible! She is dead!”

During the ensuing pandemonium, the dresser, disguised in designer duds, stiletto heels, and dark glasses, slipped into the shocked crowd. She melted right into the fashionable audience; no one noticed that her designer outfit was a knock-off, her heels were cheap, and her sunglasses were from a sidewalk stand. In a flash, she was out onto the street, where she walked calmly toward the Seine and a waiting taxi, her ticket to Ibiza nestled next to her passport in her fake Prada bag, right next to the large pile of cash she had lifted from her boss’s studio safe.

*****************************************************************************

How to please a woman:

Compliment her.

Bring her flowers.

Spend time with her.

Rub her back.

Rub her feet.

Make dinner for her.

Tell her how much you adore her.

Write her a poem.

Give her your undivided attention.

Watch old movies with her.

Run her a bubble bath, then leave her alone with a book, a candle, and a glass of wine.

Take long walks with her.

Surprise her.

Take her to her favorite restaurant.

Plan trips with her.

Do the laundry.

Buy her jewelry.

Protect her.

Support her.

Go shopping with her.

Make a big deal of her birthday.

Anticipate her needs.

Be proud of her.

Love her unconditionally.

 

How to please a man:

If you just go naked …

_____________________________________________

 

Sarah's story

If you just go naked 1
(03.12.2025, rev. 04.01.2026 – for January 2026)

"But what can I possibly wear?" whined Sheila.  This was just as usual.  Clio summoned up her reserves of patience and said evenly, "The turquoise full-length is lovely.  And just right for the occasion."
"No, it's not!  I've already worn it several times.  It'll look as if I can't afford anything new."
"Well, then, buy something new."
"But I can't afford it!"
"Well, then how about the black one with the lace?  It's very elegant, and so discreet no-one will be able to remember if they've ever seen it before."
"That's just the problem.  It has no dash.  This is no ordinary occasion, as you know.  The chairman is counting on me to woo the funds we need.  I want to 'wow' them.  Knock them for a loop!"
"Well," said Clio, who was losing patience, "if you just go naked you'll knock 'em dead."
Sheila didn't laugh, but put on one of her sour, older-sister looks of commiseration.
"Time I was going," said Clio, and she was gone.  But she had an idea.

On the evening of the fund-raiser, Clio, who had been invited solely as an impecunious family relative who could not be ignored but who was not expected to donate much and who knew absolutely no-one else in the vast reception room, looked around her with satisfaction.  Boring lot, the whole of them.  So much the better.  Then she caught sight of her sister, looking at her from across the room, and that look had in it not only a questioning disapproval but a commanding invitation to cross the room and offer up an explanation.
"Wherever did you get that?" she hissed when Clio was in hearing range.
"It was Grandma's.  Mink.  Don't you remember?"  A coat, nearly ankle-length that had probably cost thousands but which even their mother and their aunts had never dared to wear.
"You simpleton. Especially not in this season, it's already April."
"Yes, the air did seem balmy as I was coming along the Portland Road."
"You didn't walk here!  That sort of thing is just inviting the animal lovers to attack you in the street."
"They're none of them out there any more.  They don't expect to find people nowadays wearing furs."  
"And it looks terrible.  Don't you realize coats like that are no longer in fashion?  I'm not going to let on that I know you.  Remain discreet!"  
And Sheila gave a little flick of her hand as if to shoo away her sister, who only laughed and gave a little wave in return, and made her way back to where she had been standing before.  But she would amaze Sheila before the evening was over, she thought, and turned her gaze to the gathering throng.  Such an unattractive lot as a whole, she thought.  The women's heavy jewelry only accentuated the lines in their leathery faces, and as for the men, well, she pitied their wives.
People had felt sorry for her, and sympathized deeply with her when she had lost her husband three years before in a climbing accident, a handsome and intelligent man, and of course she had grieved deeply, but there had been no children for her to raise on her own, and she had her job to make her financially secure.  And she had her memories.  Then friends had begun to organize chance and not-so-chance meetings with men who could in no way rival with those memories, and it seemed to her now she had been right.  They would all have turned out to be like these, wouldn't they?
As she took a glass of champagne from a passing tray, a voice said, 'Oh!  I was just going to offer you one of those myself."
She turned and a man of late middle age was bowing so obsequiously that she almost laughed.  "Thank you anyway," she said, instead.  "It's as if you had."
He was looking curiously at the fur coat.
"You must be very warm," he said.  "Allow me?"  
But she jumped back skittishly.  "Oh, no, I couldn't!  You see, I've got nothing underneath."
As his eyes widened, she added conspiratorily, "Not a stitch."
She could see the greedy curiosity leaking out of the corner of his eyes, so she followed this up with "Would you like a peek?" and before his shocked reaction could put itself into words she added meaningfully, "For the cause.  £50."  And she winked.
This was too much for him and he followed her meekly behind the potted palms.  She held out her hand and he put the banknote in it which she stowed in the pocket of the coat, and then slowly, archly, she pulled away the lapels to reveal, as she well knew, the tops of a snowy breast with a deep cleavage and the slightest glimpse of rosy tits.  Then she snapped them shut again, and laughed prettily.  "That's it.  All for the cause!" and led the way determinedly back to the crowd.  
As she expected, not a minute passed before she was approached by another one of the unprepossessing males who had probably been hauled here by their wives and were trying to fight the boredom as well as they could.
"Are you ...  Is it ...?"
"Yes," she said and led him towards the potted palms.  There were two or three more like that, and she patted her pocket with satisfaction.  Then there was one who looked quite flustered.  He almost pushed her towards the palms.  Once they were reasonably out of sight of the mob, she turned, to see him gazing at her fifth button down.  She put out her hand, for he surely must know that this was a fund-raising action.
"Er, ah," he said, fumbling again, "could one see, er, the bottom?"
"Now that would be a hundred," she said and took it, then, pretending not to understand, she turned round and pulled up the coat to reveal, as she knew, some very white, very well-rounded buttocks, but only for a moment.
"Ah, but I meant ..."  It was almost painful to see a person so at a loss for words.  But she made as if to understand at last.  "But that would be another hundred," she said.
And having pocketed that she slowly pulled apart and up the lower pans of the coat to reveal, as she well knew, an exceptionally fine pair of legs and a magnificent black brush.  And then the curtain came down again.
His disappointed look, along with the gesture towards his wallet once again made her interrupt quickly.  "No, no," she said.  "Remember, this is a charity event.  Let's not get carried away!" and she led him out again, gave him a bright smile and turned the other way.
In less than an hour, she must have taken in a huge amount, she thought, and as there was a lull in the visitors she retired behind the palms to count it.  She had got to well over a thousand and there was more to count when it occurred to her that there was a downside to this fund-raising activity.  Despite the unattractiveness of the various bidders for a glance at her charms, all that Peeping Tom business was in fact making her feel horny, and she could tell that she was already moist between the legs.
Just then a face poked itself around the palms.  An arresting face, younger than most of the others, not strictly handsome but attractive, perhaps because of the sly humour glinting from the dark eyes.  She recognized him as someone she had seen before and had thought she rather fancied.  He came fully round and she stashed the banknotes in the coat pockets which were, fortunately, wide and deep.
"How much?"
"That depends," she began, but he was already undoing his belt. "No, no," she said in alarm.
"Shhh," he said, "don't make a scandal.  Let's have some fun.  It's all for charity, isn't it then?"  His hands were already under the coat, softly playing with her firm but pliable breasts.  As they brushed her nipples she felt her legs weakening.
"Besides," he said, "we'll both like it," as he slid easily into her.
And she did like it.  It had been so long ...  But how could she give way here?  As if he had read her thoughts, he was pushing them back gently into a small room, or closet rather, pushing the door shut behind them.  "Let yourself go," he whispered.  And the temptation was too much to resist.
But suddenly the door pushed open again behind them.
"Oops," somebody said, "Oh, Peter," and the door shut again.
"He didn't see you," Peter said.  "Nobody will know."  But the moment was broken, and she felt a decided shock of disappointment.  He must be a rake, this Peter.  But so attractive!  As she came gradually to herself again in what seemed to be a small kitchinette, he was already pushing out a sheaf of notes into her hand.  
"But you can't go back like that," he said, guiding her towards another door, and she realized she must be noticeably flushed.  The door, she saw, was marked "Ladies".  "Pull yourself together," he said, winked, and shut the door.
She sat there for a few minutes until she had calmed down, and looked at what he had given her.  £300!  That helped bring her to her senses, and she shook herself awake.  Mustn't stay out too long or it would look odd.
Re-entering the main room, she spied her sister, alone for once and not far from the door.  
"Where have you been?" Sheila asked accusingly, as Clio came up to her.
"The ladies," she said.  "And I'm very tired.  I'm going home."
"I can't take you home now!  There's still the speech to make and I was counting on you to go round and smile and coax them to give."  
"I can go by myself," Clio said, slipping the fat wad of notes into her hands. "And I haven't wasted my time.  See here: I've talked to lots of people, and convinced them of the worthiness of the cause."  
Sheila stood before her, open-mouthed. "How ... ?" she began, as Clio turned to go.
"Wait a minute," said a voice beside her.  It was Peter.  "You can't go home alone.  Not in that coat.  Let me drive you."
And as he steered her out of the room, he added conspiratorily.  "Unfinished business!"
_________________________________________ 

Jackie's story

 I just go naked

The old lady sat on the edge of the narrow bed, the palms of her hands spread out on her knees, head down, staring at the folds of her stomach which obstructed the view of her pubic hair and the top of her thighs.     She felt a slight tingling feeling in her toes - cold – a draught drifted over her body - she shivered -  She was totally naked and oblivious to the video camera whirring above her.

What was she doing sitting on this narrow couch – her bottom sticking to the leather type fabric – she gently lifted one buttock and then the other hoping that no moisture would soil the fabric.    

Her reflection stared back at her, the entire room mirrored from floor to ceiling;   that  plunged herself into a desperate longing to avoid looking up at her own reflection.   There was no escape from her naked self

Could she get up and leave when she wanted?   She looked around for some clothes – there were none neither blanket, towel or curtains to hide behind.      Could she leave this room totally naked.

 Who was she really in this skin of hers? 

She had never been totally naked before in front of anybody even husband and boyfriends.   Being of a prudish nature she started to worry about whom could come into this  room ….

Someone entered with a white paper and pen in hand.   

“What am I doing here?”

You don’t remember signing up for an internet questionnaire?  – we were looking for people to participate in the naked session – to see how they would react to be without any clothes.   Apparently you belong to a writing group - we found you there under the theme “I just go naked”–…how do you feel now - naked? 

 “Well,  I feel ashamed of how I have neglected my body over the years , I feel raw, stripped and uncomfortable,  cold and unprotected.

Most people find the real “me” when they are naked – is this the case with you?   

“I don’t feel like me,”  My body is pink with wrinkly skin, flabby underarms and dark sunspots and loads of ugly freckles.  

I’m me when I wear clothes and can turn myself into whom I want with a sweater or jacket, dress, or jewelry and shoes -                     So you are only yourself when you are hiding behind clothes?  

Its called expressing your personality.  Clothes give you dignity – clothes make the woman. 

Well you are free to go but there is one last test ;   next door there are 20 people having a cocktail party.   Walk into the room and pretend that you have clothes on – If you manage a conversation with at least 3 people then you will have won -…..

“What do I win?  You win a ticket to wellness and freedom and to feeling peaceful and beautiful from now on. 

   ( It came to her afterwards that she couldn’t remember whether the person who had come into the room was clothed or naked. !  )